Today was a beautiful day, and I was home, pretty much by myself for the whole day, and I felt so damn good. It was really remarkable.
What I realized, as I was walking down the hill to go to the library and print some things out, is that I feel done. I feel over so much stuff - even writing fanfic, to some extent. It's not that I don't enjoy it, because I do, but I feel like I want to write my own stories. I think I have stories within me to tell, and maybe it's time to focus on that for a while.
I'm over being hesitant, I'm over being insecure. It's just boring and old, and I'm starting to think that life is just about realizing joy.
I've also - again - been thinking about California, which kept creeping into my waking thoughts when I first moved to New York. I think about it when I'm in Whole Foods and I see a loaf of sourdough. I think about it when I catch the smell of the sea air. I think about it when I read an article on kayaking, and I remember watching the sea otters float on Monterey Bay.
It's a little disconcerting.
I'm listening to Peter Gabriel's "Secret World" tour live album, which reminds me of Matthew, and I've just returned from my first visit with my nutritionist, where we hammered out a diet and exercise plan, and I just feel like... okay. I'm done with all this past stuff. I mean, it shapes you, it forms you, but it's not who I am. I'm becoming someone different.
Three years from now, I may be living on the west coast, evolving further.
