Yesterday was a rough day, in no small part because my roommate Christine decided to have a bit of a power trip at the expense of me and my other roommate, Lavina. The three of us had originally planned to go see the midnight showing of The Order of the Phoenix together (see my review at my LJ), and on the day of the show, Christine emailed us to ask if we could reschedule. Boston's mass transit closes at 12:30 a.m., and Christine's the only one with a car, so we were really dependent on her for transportation to and from the event. She seemed surprised and hurt when Lavina and I both independently told her that no, we were still very interested in going, and she was unresponsive and/or hostile when we asked if we could borrow her car so that we could still go to see the film (she's offered to let us borrow her car on numerous other occasions, and I don't think either one of us has ever taken her up on it).
She finally called Lavina back at 5 p.m., telling her that it was fine with her if we borrowed her car, but she was pretty passive-aggressive about it. We got home to an email from her that was a bit of a power-play, stating that while we were welcome to use her car we needed to be very careful with it and she would be "very put out" if it wasn't available to her the next morning. Both Lavina and I were like, wtf?
I sent an email back, stating that we wouldn't be needing her car after all, so there should be no worries about being very put out or missing her morning arrangements. Snarky, yes, but mildly so - and I felt she deserved it, honestly, for pulling the rug out from under us at the last minute, which is just thoughtless and rude.
Fortunately, Lavina came up with a plan: we'd see the midnight movie and then crash at her boyfriend's place, which was within walking distance of the theater. We didn't need to take a taxi home at all, just take a change of clothes and take the T the next morning. I'm back at work this morning, still dizzy and blissful from the HP goodness.
And yet I feel a little sad that I let myself get manipulated by someone's thoughtlessness, that I *reacted* to it instead of responding to it, and that I did so immediately. It's such a strong connection to my interactions with my Dad, and it's frustrating that it's still such an omnipresent part of my life. I felt very satisfied with my snark last night, but today I feel like it comes from the part of me that still feels like a victim, still feels put upon, still can't express disagreement without feeling resentment or anger. And I regret it for that reason.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Overheard on the Bus
Really, hand to God, I am not making any of this up.
Blonde bimbo (chatting on her cell, sitting right behind me): ...hi. Yeah, I'm on the bus. No, I was still really nauseous from last night. What? Well, it's kind of funny - he doesn't call me. No, he has a phone, he just doesn't use it. Because it's really expensive, and it costs a lot to use it, and he doesn't want it to be stolen. So he doesn't even take it with him when he goes out. [ *pause*] No, we email all the time, that's how we communicate. [*pause*] No, it's totally serious. You need to understand that, Emily. It IS really serious between us. Yeah, absolutely. We just don't talk. Much.
Last night I texted him at 8:30 and emailed him at 10:30. The only problem is, what if I'm in the emergency room, like I was last night? [*starts laughing*] I can't EMAIL him from the ER, you know, so he wouldn't know! God, that's so funny.
Plus, you know, I'm allergic to his bacteria, which sucks. [*pause*] No, I went to a urologist, and he told me that sometimes people are just biologically incompatible. Yeah, three times in nine months. Sucks, right? But pretty soon I'm going to be on antibiotics. But once I'm on these pills it should be fine. [*pause*] No, I'll have to keep taking them. Like every time, before... right. And he's just gonna have to keep it really clean before we -
WO (standing up to get off the bus, muttering): Girl, the universe is trying to tell you something.
BB: ...hold on. I'm sorry, what?
WO: Excuse me, this is my stop.
BB: Oh, no problem.
Blonde bimbo (chatting on her cell, sitting right behind me): ...hi. Yeah, I'm on the bus. No, I was still really nauseous from last night. What? Well, it's kind of funny - he doesn't call me. No, he has a phone, he just doesn't use it. Because it's really expensive, and it costs a lot to use it, and he doesn't want it to be stolen. So he doesn't even take it with him when he goes out. [ *pause*] No, we email all the time, that's how we communicate. [*pause*] No, it's totally serious. You need to understand that, Emily. It IS really serious between us. Yeah, absolutely. We just don't talk. Much.
Last night I texted him at 8:30 and emailed him at 10:30. The only problem is, what if I'm in the emergency room, like I was last night? [*starts laughing*] I can't EMAIL him from the ER, you know, so he wouldn't know! God, that's so funny.
Plus, you know, I'm allergic to his bacteria, which sucks. [*pause*] No, I went to a urologist, and he told me that sometimes people are just biologically incompatible. Yeah, three times in nine months. Sucks, right? But pretty soon I'm going to be on antibiotics. But once I'm on these pills it should be fine. [*pause*] No, I'll have to keep taking them. Like every time, before... right. And he's just gonna have to keep it really clean before we -
WO (standing up to get off the bus, muttering): Girl, the universe is trying to tell you something.
BB: ...hold on. I'm sorry, what?
WO: Excuse me, this is my stop.
BB: Oh, no problem.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
I'm feeling a bit better today, despite yesterday's bad news that the hospital had chosen another candidate for the director position. Friends really came out of the woodwork yesterday to be supportive through emails, multiple phone calls, and a few offers to storm the hospital and beat various administrators into submission.
My favorite moments:
* almost immediately receiving an email from Sean, of all people, demanding "Goddamnit! What the hell is wrong with these people?!?"
* Jonathan taking my call on his lunch break and just letting me talk and cry. Sniff.
* Margaret telling me I'd dodged a bullet, because clearly the people there were MORONS, and therefore it was fortunate that I wouldn't have to deal with their moronosity.
One sign that I'm actually kind of low at the moment is that I called my Mom this morning, and that's been a crap shoot for many years. She could be supportive, she could be kind of aloof and unapproachable. You just couldn't be sure. But - in large part, since she's gone through her battle with breast cancer and been accountable for some things and tried to make up for some of her choices and really work for forgiveness - she was really there for me today, which was wonderful. She was supportive and encouraging and told me to not give up on myself, and that it had nothing to do with me personally, and so on and so on. All the things you hope to hear from your Mom when you're in a situation like that. And she was really very sad and disappointed for me, which was also nice.
And that helps me to feel a bit better today. My heart doesn't hurt quite so much.
My favorite moments:
* almost immediately receiving an email from Sean, of all people, demanding "Goddamnit! What the hell is wrong with these people?!?"
* Jonathan taking my call on his lunch break and just letting me talk and cry. Sniff.
* Margaret telling me I'd dodged a bullet, because clearly the people there were MORONS, and therefore it was fortunate that I wouldn't have to deal with their moronosity.
One sign that I'm actually kind of low at the moment is that I called my Mom this morning, and that's been a crap shoot for many years. She could be supportive, she could be kind of aloof and unapproachable. You just couldn't be sure. But - in large part, since she's gone through her battle with breast cancer and been accountable for some things and tried to make up for some of her choices and really work for forgiveness - she was really there for me today, which was wonderful. She was supportive and encouraging and told me to not give up on myself, and that it had nothing to do with me personally, and so on and so on. All the things you hope to hear from your Mom when you're in a situation like that. And she was really very sad and disappointed for me, which was also nice.
And that helps me to feel a bit better today. My heart doesn't hurt quite so much.
Monday, May 21, 2007
Second Time Around
I got a call today from Massachusetts General, asking me to come in for a second (and if I'm understanding correctly, final) interview for the Communications Director position. Wheeee!
I'll be meeting with the VP for Public Affairs on Thursday at 12:30 p.m. Please keep me in your thoughts, because I think this could be a really excellent opportunity for me, as well as a really good fit for my personality.
It was drizzly and overcast in Boston all this weekend, and while I felt like I had a bit of cabin fever, I also realized how much the Northeast reminds me of southern Germany. I walked to Whole Foods to pick up some groceries and was nearly dancing in the light raindrops on the way home (just enough to soak my hair, not enough to soak my scalp), brushing super-saturated evergreen tree branches with my hands as I walked past, checking out collected droplets on pansies and hanging boughs of wisteria. God, I do love my neighborhood. And no one was outside, since it was raining - I felt like I was in my own little gingerbread rainforest. It was delightful.
I arrived home just as it began to rain harder, curled up on the couch with some coconut chicken thai soup from the corner restaurant, and watched Girl with a Pearl Earring. What a great way to spend a rainy afternoon.
I'll be meeting with the VP for Public Affairs on Thursday at 12:30 p.m. Please keep me in your thoughts, because I think this could be a really excellent opportunity for me, as well as a really good fit for my personality.
It was drizzly and overcast in Boston all this weekend, and while I felt like I had a bit of cabin fever, I also realized how much the Northeast reminds me of southern Germany. I walked to Whole Foods to pick up some groceries and was nearly dancing in the light raindrops on the way home (just enough to soak my hair, not enough to soak my scalp), brushing super-saturated evergreen tree branches with my hands as I walked past, checking out collected droplets on pansies and hanging boughs of wisteria. God, I do love my neighborhood. And no one was outside, since it was raining - I felt like I was in my own little gingerbread rainforest. It was delightful.
I arrived home just as it began to rain harder, curled up on the couch with some coconut chicken thai soup from the corner restaurant, and watched Girl with a Pearl Earring. What a great way to spend a rainy afternoon.
Wednesday, May 2, 2007
Done
Today was a beautiful day, and I was home, pretty much by myself for the whole day, and I felt so damn good. It was really remarkable.
What I realized, as I was walking down the hill to go to the library and print some things out, is that I feel done. I feel over so much stuff - even writing fanfic, to some extent. It's not that I don't enjoy it, because I do, but I feel like I want to write my own stories. I think I have stories within me to tell, and maybe it's time to focus on that for a while.
I'm over being hesitant, I'm over being insecure. It's just boring and old, and I'm starting to think that life is just about realizing joy.
I've also - again - been thinking about California, which kept creeping into my waking thoughts when I first moved to New York. I think about it when I'm in Whole Foods and I see a loaf of sourdough. I think about it when I catch the smell of the sea air. I think about it when I read an article on kayaking, and I remember watching the sea otters float on Monterey Bay.
It's a little disconcerting.
I'm listening to Peter Gabriel's "Secret World" tour live album, which reminds me of Matthew, and I've just returned from my first visit with my nutritionist, where we hammered out a diet and exercise plan, and I just feel like... okay. I'm done with all this past stuff. I mean, it shapes you, it forms you, but it's not who I am. I'm becoming someone different.
Three years from now, I may be living on the west coast, evolving further.
What I realized, as I was walking down the hill to go to the library and print some things out, is that I feel done. I feel over so much stuff - even writing fanfic, to some extent. It's not that I don't enjoy it, because I do, but I feel like I want to write my own stories. I think I have stories within me to tell, and maybe it's time to focus on that for a while.
I'm over being hesitant, I'm over being insecure. It's just boring and old, and I'm starting to think that life is just about realizing joy.
I've also - again - been thinking about California, which kept creeping into my waking thoughts when I first moved to New York. I think about it when I'm in Whole Foods and I see a loaf of sourdough. I think about it when I catch the smell of the sea air. I think about it when I read an article on kayaking, and I remember watching the sea otters float on Monterey Bay.
It's a little disconcerting.
I'm listening to Peter Gabriel's "Secret World" tour live album, which reminds me of Matthew, and I've just returned from my first visit with my nutritionist, where we hammered out a diet and exercise plan, and I just feel like... okay. I'm done with all this past stuff. I mean, it shapes you, it forms you, but it's not who I am. I'm becoming someone different.
Three years from now, I may be living on the west coast, evolving further.
Friday, April 27, 2007
Monday, April 23, 2007
Friday, April 20, 2007
See, now this I do not understand.
The cold spell that's been holding New England in its icy grip broke last night, which means that I was able to leave my house without wearing my 3/4-length down coat for the first time since... November, I think. And I woke up this morning with pure, warm sunlight pouring into my room (finally, I've missed it so much), and I snuggled down under my *very* soft new sheets from Bed, Bath and Beyond, and -
- I realized I miss Florida.
Oh, my GOD, do I miss it this morning. The beach, the salt air, the palm trees, the vibrant exotic flowers, the endless baking sun, the sunsets, the sea shells, the weirdos and the humidity and the clouds that hang like sculpted mountains in the sky. I miss watching a sunset at Crabby Bill's on St. Petersburg Beach while having a mai tai and listening to Jimmy Buffet. And I don't even like Jimmy Buffett. Now, I have not missed Florida in anything more than a passing twinge since I left it in March 2005.
Sigh. Perhaps I'll take the Boston Ferry to Cape Cod this weekend or something. I might just need to be near the ocean. Even if it is too cold to swim in it.
That said, Boston is beautiful in the spring. I'm working at the Simmons School of Management for the next few days, and it's located in this beautiful ancient building on Commonwealth Avenue with high ceilings and natural skylights - old, oval-shaped skylights that mirror each other on every floor, so natural sunlight runs all the way through the building. It's really a stunning work of architecture.
What's exceptionally beautiful about the location, though, is the fact that the entire street is lined with Saucer Magnolias, planted ages ago by a feisty woman who loved the elegant, flowering trees.
This is the best image of the street that I could find online. It doesn't do the experience justice, but just imagine that you're walking down a street and every single garden you can see all the way down the street looks like this, with a just-blooming variation of massive, hot pink or scarlett or peach or ivory blossoms, and it is just breathtaking:
Clearly, once my tax return comes back, I'm going to have to buy a digital camera so I can take pictures of Spring in Boston. Because it really is quite something.
The cold spell that's been holding New England in its icy grip broke last night, which means that I was able to leave my house without wearing my 3/4-length down coat for the first time since... November, I think. And I woke up this morning with pure, warm sunlight pouring into my room (finally, I've missed it so much), and I snuggled down under my *very* soft new sheets from Bed, Bath and Beyond, and -
- I realized I miss Florida.
Oh, my GOD, do I miss it this morning. The beach, the salt air, the palm trees, the vibrant exotic flowers, the endless baking sun, the sunsets, the sea shells, the weirdos and the humidity and the clouds that hang like sculpted mountains in the sky. I miss watching a sunset at Crabby Bill's on St. Petersburg Beach while having a mai tai and listening to Jimmy Buffet. And I don't even like Jimmy Buffett. Now, I have not missed Florida in anything more than a passing twinge since I left it in March 2005.
Sigh. Perhaps I'll take the Boston Ferry to Cape Cod this weekend or something. I might just need to be near the ocean. Even if it is too cold to swim in it.
That said, Boston is beautiful in the spring. I'm working at the Simmons School of Management for the next few days, and it's located in this beautiful ancient building on Commonwealth Avenue with high ceilings and natural skylights - old, oval-shaped skylights that mirror each other on every floor, so natural sunlight runs all the way through the building. It's really a stunning work of architecture.
What's exceptionally beautiful about the location, though, is the fact that the entire street is lined with Saucer Magnolias, planted ages ago by a feisty woman who loved the elegant, flowering trees.
This is the best image of the street that I could find online. It doesn't do the experience justice, but just imagine that you're walking down a street and every single garden you can see all the way down the street looks like this, with a just-blooming variation of massive, hot pink or scarlett or peach or ivory blossoms, and it is just breathtaking:
Clearly, once my tax return comes back, I'm going to have to buy a digital camera so I can take pictures of Spring in Boston. Because it really is quite something.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Glockenspiel
Today was a brilliant, magnificent day for so many reasons. One, the lawyers I was working for were too busy to give me the TON of work they gave me yesterday. Two, my temp agency found a substitute for me for the rest of the week, and I trained her today, which = I don't have to go back. YAY!
I had a great "Friday Night Lights" dream which involved Jason Street, of all people, telling me how awesome and talented I was, which was great fun.
On the way home from the law firm, which happens to be located in Boston's downtown pedestrian district, I realized I was hearing bells. I thought it might be a church, but there were no churches nearby. I found myself at a corner where they got the loudest, and I looked UP -
- and saw a Glockenspiel. :jawdrop:
In Germany, glockenspiels are all over the place. They're kind of the equivalent of music boxes built into the buildings and town squares, but with REAL BELLS, and ancient mannequin dancers or jousters or just a really complex watch system. And granted, this was nothing like that, because it was just several bells on the corner of the old Filene's Basement building, but...
It was playing THE GODFATHER THEME. I thought I would die from the happiness. It was just. Brilliant. And people were walking around, not noticing, talking on their cell phones, and I wanted to tackle them and say "LISTEN! I have not seen or heard anything like this in pretty much ANY OTHER PART OF THIS COUNTRY, do you know how COOL THIS CITY IS?"
I mean. Sigh. I *love* the european touches of this city, I truly do.
I picked up my paychecks from the temp agency, which I shall deposit tomorrow; got my "Curly Girl" book from Borders, which I've already read through to the end and am going to take with me when I shop tomorrow; watched a new episode of "Gilmore Girls", which was really great, and I thoroughly enjoyed even though it wasn't "Friday Night Lights"....
All in all, just a really GREAT day. Tomorrow I get to stay home for the most part and apply for jobs. I'll brave the horrific wind and rain to go food shopping & hair product shopping, but that's it - and I'll go back to work on Thursday. My IRS and NY State refunds should be deposited this week, which I'm also really looking forward to.
Sooooo relaxed and at ease. Life is good.
I had a great "Friday Night Lights" dream which involved Jason Street, of all people, telling me how awesome and talented I was, which was great fun.
On the way home from the law firm, which happens to be located in Boston's downtown pedestrian district, I realized I was hearing bells. I thought it might be a church, but there were no churches nearby. I found myself at a corner where they got the loudest, and I looked UP -
- and saw a Glockenspiel. :jawdrop:
In Germany, glockenspiels are all over the place. They're kind of the equivalent of music boxes built into the buildings and town squares, but with REAL BELLS, and ancient mannequin dancers or jousters or just a really complex watch system. And granted, this was nothing like that, because it was just several bells on the corner of the old Filene's Basement building, but...
It was playing THE GODFATHER THEME. I thought I would die from the happiness. It was just. Brilliant. And people were walking around, not noticing, talking on their cell phones, and I wanted to tackle them and say "LISTEN! I have not seen or heard anything like this in pretty much ANY OTHER PART OF THIS COUNTRY, do you know how COOL THIS CITY IS?"
I mean. Sigh. I *love* the european touches of this city, I truly do.
I picked up my paychecks from the temp agency, which I shall deposit tomorrow; got my "Curly Girl" book from Borders, which I've already read through to the end and am going to take with me when I shop tomorrow; watched a new episode of "Gilmore Girls", which was really great, and I thoroughly enjoyed even though it wasn't "Friday Night Lights"....
All in all, just a really GREAT day. Tomorrow I get to stay home for the most part and apply for jobs. I'll brave the horrific wind and rain to go food shopping & hair product shopping, but that's it - and I'll go back to work on Thursday. My IRS and NY State refunds should be deposited this week, which I'm also really looking forward to.
Sooooo relaxed and at ease. Life is good.
Monday, April 16, 2007
Worst. Day. Ever.
OK, not as bad as major national tragedies. But close. I got perhaps four hours of solid sleep, because the walls in my bedroom were HUMMING from the 60-70 MPH winds we're currently having in New England. I nearly tripped going down the stairs this morning. It was the most miserable, cold, wet, horrid weather. I missed not one but *two* trains this morning. When I got to work the doors were locked (I did get a french toast finagle-a-bagel with cream cheese, and that was yummy). But all those horrors were nothing compared to working in a legal firm.
Never in my life have I been so sure I never, ever wanted to return to a field of work. My hands ache from all the stupid things I had to type today - legal documents, six-page, *handwritten* documents on yellow legal paper, and all. Day. Long. I've never typed so much, or been so confused, in all my life. I called the temp agency and told them I didn't want the assignment, and they've arranged for someone to come in and train with me tomorrow, so I only have to work there for one more day. And I think I can handle that.
It was just. Horrible. I hated it. I didn't understand the language, I didn't understand how the documents needed to be formatted, I couldn't read their handwriting - I say "their", but it was really only one of the two lawyers who was awful - it was just an awful experience, and I'm SO glad it's over. I really thought I would burst into tears this afternoon, but I pushed on through.
I felt like singing all the way home when I got confirmation that I only needed to be there one more day. Rock! :) I called and cancelled my audition tonight for the improv troupe - I hated to do it, but I'm in absolutely no shape whatsoever to go to an audition, and they hold them on a regular basis.
So now I'm home, and don't have to go anywhere, and the winds have died down so perhaps I'll be able to have some sleep tonight. That makes the worst day much, much better.
OK, not as bad as major national tragedies. But close. I got perhaps four hours of solid sleep, because the walls in my bedroom were HUMMING from the 60-70 MPH winds we're currently having in New England. I nearly tripped going down the stairs this morning. It was the most miserable, cold, wet, horrid weather. I missed not one but *two* trains this morning. When I got to work the doors were locked (I did get a french toast finagle-a-bagel with cream cheese, and that was yummy). But all those horrors were nothing compared to working in a legal firm.
Never in my life have I been so sure I never, ever wanted to return to a field of work. My hands ache from all the stupid things I had to type today - legal documents, six-page, *handwritten* documents on yellow legal paper, and all. Day. Long. I've never typed so much, or been so confused, in all my life. I called the temp agency and told them I didn't want the assignment, and they've arranged for someone to come in and train with me tomorrow, so I only have to work there for one more day. And I think I can handle that.
It was just. Horrible. I hated it. I didn't understand the language, I didn't understand how the documents needed to be formatted, I couldn't read their handwriting - I say "their", but it was really only one of the two lawyers who was awful - it was just an awful experience, and I'm SO glad it's over. I really thought I would burst into tears this afternoon, but I pushed on through.
I felt like singing all the way home when I got confirmation that I only needed to be there one more day. Rock! :) I called and cancelled my audition tonight for the improv troupe - I hated to do it, but I'm in absolutely no shape whatsoever to go to an audition, and they hold them on a regular basis.
So now I'm home, and don't have to go anywhere, and the winds have died down so perhaps I'll be able to have some sleep tonight. That makes the worst day much, much better.
Saturday, April 14, 2007
America's Walking City
Boston has been called "America's Walking City", and I proved it today. I took the T just a few stops and then walked to the Museum of Fine Arts - a five-mile roundtrip trek from my house. I didn't stay at the museum for long, I just wanted to familiarize myself with the area. I sat out in the courtyard, browsed the museum shop, meandered through some Monets, Seurats and Degas, and then left to do some windowshopping. I returned some stuff to Bed Bath & Beyond and browsed this great art store called "Brick", which is just MASSIVE, and has all. sorts. of art equipment. Eeeeeee!
I came home and looked through 35 (thirty. five.) pages of comments on the TWoP boards for the recent FNL season finale. After thinking about it, re-watching the episode, and having a few personal epiphanies, I realized that while it might not be one of the strongest episodes of the season, I still enjoyed it immensely.
After that, I re-watched "Mulan", bookmarked a bunch of Harvard jobs, and I'm probably going to crash pretty soon. All in all it was a very nice day. The Red Sox played a home game today, so I got to see all the faithful headed to the stadium. It's still chilly, but not too much so. I will definitely be happy when things start to bloom again, though - six months of winter is enough already!
Spoke with Mom this morning and she's doing really well. It's nice to hear her and Wolfgang so happy - they're really enjoying spring in Germany.
I came home and looked through 35 (thirty. five.) pages of comments on the TWoP boards for the recent FNL season finale. After thinking about it, re-watching the episode, and having a few personal epiphanies, I realized that while it might not be one of the strongest episodes of the season, I still enjoyed it immensely.
After that, I re-watched "Mulan", bookmarked a bunch of Harvard jobs, and I'm probably going to crash pretty soon. All in all it was a very nice day. The Red Sox played a home game today, so I got to see all the faithful headed to the stadium. It's still chilly, but not too much so. I will definitely be happy when things start to bloom again, though - six months of winter is enough already!
Spoke with Mom this morning and she's doing really well. It's nice to hear her and Wolfgang so happy - they're really enjoying spring in Germany.
Friday, April 13, 2007
Better thoughts
I spoke to Jonathan last night, and he and I had the best conversation we've had in a really long time. We spoke for 30 minutes (I really am *very* happy with this unlimited calling through Skype), and I felt so relaxed and at ease at the end of it. There really is nothing like speaking to friends who KNOW you, who really understand who you are and how you think and feel. I told him about my insomnia and anxiety, and he really listened and was sympathetic without being overly concerned.
I still woke up in the wee hours of the morning, but this time it was at 4 a.m., not 2 a.m., and my jaw wasn't sore from grinding my teeth. So I just lay there in the quiet dark, thinking, trying to really pay attention to what I was feeling. I noticed this dull ache in the left side of my chest, right over my heart, which is often there - I'm so used to it now that I rarely pay attention to it. I folded my hands over the ache and asked myself what was wrong, and this voice came up, saying these really violent, angry, frustrated, mean thoughts. Very Linda Blair in the Exorcist, in a way.
It (or I) was really furious with me. It said that this was all life is, and I had to get used to it; that I brought this upon myself; that all these things that had happened in my life were my fault; that I was worthless, stupid, ugly, awful, horrid... just really intense, violent, angry feelings.
And I let it be. I let it be angry. Because I think it was stuff from all the way back when my parents got divorced, and how I felt that I was to blame. That the death of their marriage and my life as I knew it was a direct result of my worthlessness or not trying hard enough or not being a better child or human being. And what was a real gift was what my mom had told me when she was sick in the hospital - that it wasn't my fault, of course, and I deserved so much better than I got from her or my father, and that she knew they had failed me and let me down. And I didn't argue with the voice, although I think I might benefit from some
cognitive-behavioral therapy to help me realign those thoughts; I just poured love into the ache, and reminded myself of what my mother had told me, and I slowly felt a little better.
And this morning the world looks better, and I'm excited to be going outside, and I feel like I'm looking forward to the day.
I'm also curious what Sean's church, Science of the Mind, would have to say about monitoring these thoughts, and how changing your thoughts can really change how you can see the world. The ache is still there, but it's not as pronounced, and now I think I can go back to it again and talk to it some more.
I still woke up in the wee hours of the morning, but this time it was at 4 a.m., not 2 a.m., and my jaw wasn't sore from grinding my teeth. So I just lay there in the quiet dark, thinking, trying to really pay attention to what I was feeling. I noticed this dull ache in the left side of my chest, right over my heart, which is often there - I'm so used to it now that I rarely pay attention to it. I folded my hands over the ache and asked myself what was wrong, and this voice came up, saying these really violent, angry, frustrated, mean thoughts. Very Linda Blair in the Exorcist, in a way.
It (or I) was really furious with me. It said that this was all life is, and I had to get used to it; that I brought this upon myself; that all these things that had happened in my life were my fault; that I was worthless, stupid, ugly, awful, horrid... just really intense, violent, angry feelings.
And I let it be. I let it be angry. Because I think it was stuff from all the way back when my parents got divorced, and how I felt that I was to blame. That the death of their marriage and my life as I knew it was a direct result of my worthlessness or not trying hard enough or not being a better child or human being. And what was a real gift was what my mom had told me when she was sick in the hospital - that it wasn't my fault, of course, and I deserved so much better than I got from her or my father, and that she knew they had failed me and let me down. And I didn't argue with the voice, although I think I might benefit from some
cognitive-behavioral therapy to help me realign those thoughts; I just poured love into the ache, and reminded myself of what my mother had told me, and I slowly felt a little better.
And this morning the world looks better, and I'm excited to be going outside, and I feel like I'm looking forward to the day.
I'm also curious what Sean's church, Science of the Mind, would have to say about monitoring these thoughts, and how changing your thoughts can really change how you can see the world. The ache is still there, but it's not as pronounced, and now I think I can go back to it again and talk to it some more.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
There and Back Again.
I feel blue today. It didn't help that last night's FNL season, and perhaps series, finale, fell short of the mark for me. Nor did it help that I drank three glasses of wine after not imbibing in much of anything at all for a prolonged period of time. Nor that I'm in a city without a network of friends.
It's the last one, really, that's bothering me.
I'm a naturally lonely person, I think. It stems from growing up in a different city every other year when I was a kid - sometimes every year. I did very well when I was a kid, but the transition from Europe to America when I was a teenager was just kind of brutal - I was used to being much more open, much more okay with my individuality. There's also a sort of naivete that comes from growing up in Europe (or at least there used to be): kids don't grow up quite so fast, and the transition from child to adolescent is a little more manageable. Losing not only my mother but my home and my understanding of social norms proved too tough to handle - I often felt isolated or awkward during my early teenage years, and found it difficult to make friends - and that's where I really started putting too much emphasis on my relationship with my mother, too.
So there's a natural inclination for me to feel lonely and to wallow in it, instead of being proactive about it. And I avoid dealing with the loss by escaping into books or television. Which only makes the isolation more pronounced, of course.
I'm lucky in that I have very thoughtful roommates, and work is going well, and I'm in a good space. But I think I have to toughen up a bit and really challenge myself to be easy on myself and reach out to book clubs and theater groups and music opportunities. Because I've found great people and wonderful friends everywhere that I've gone - Gainesville, Pensacola, even New York.
It's terribly cold outside today, and the wind is howling against my windows so loudly that my room is actually humming sporadically with the intensity of the reverberations, and I'm glad to be inside, in my jammies. I feel sad, but it would be much harder to be outside, or to be working today.
It's the last one, really, that's bothering me.
I'm a naturally lonely person, I think. It stems from growing up in a different city every other year when I was a kid - sometimes every year. I did very well when I was a kid, but the transition from Europe to America when I was a teenager was just kind of brutal - I was used to being much more open, much more okay with my individuality. There's also a sort of naivete that comes from growing up in Europe (or at least there used to be): kids don't grow up quite so fast, and the transition from child to adolescent is a little more manageable. Losing not only my mother but my home and my understanding of social norms proved too tough to handle - I often felt isolated or awkward during my early teenage years, and found it difficult to make friends - and that's where I really started putting too much emphasis on my relationship with my mother, too.
So there's a natural inclination for me to feel lonely and to wallow in it, instead of being proactive about it. And I avoid dealing with the loss by escaping into books or television. Which only makes the isolation more pronounced, of course.
I'm lucky in that I have very thoughtful roommates, and work is going well, and I'm in a good space. But I think I have to toughen up a bit and really challenge myself to be easy on myself and reach out to book clubs and theater groups and music opportunities. Because I've found great people and wonderful friends everywhere that I've gone - Gainesville, Pensacola, even New York.
It's terribly cold outside today, and the wind is howling against my windows so loudly that my room is actually humming sporadically with the intensity of the reverberations, and I'm glad to be inside, in my jammies. I feel sad, but it would be much harder to be outside, or to be working today.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow
While I was speaking with my 19-year-old half-sister recently, she mentioned that she'd realized that in 11 years, she'd be 30. And not to minimize the importance of that first "hey, I'm actually going to AGE!" realization that comes with the end of your teenage years, but cry me a freaking river, because tomorrow I will be 38 years old.
I've moved twice in the last two years: once from Florida to Manhattan after the 2005 hurricane season, and more recently to Boston from New York. I always thought NY would be a haven, a collective of similar spirits. It's a magnificent city, but it's just not me: too big, too focused on ambition, too fast. So I moved to Boston in the hopes that I would find more of a home here.
I moved here on March 24th, and so far it's working out very well. I have regular work through a temp agency, which was always a chore in NY; I live in a big room on the highest floor of a three-story Victorian house, which is very well-kept and lovely, and has a great view of the Boston skyline; I live with roommates who are thoughtful, outgoing, kind and very low-maintenance.
And yet I keep having trouble sleeping, which is new. I wake up at two or three in the morning and can't get back to sleep for hours. I wake up exhausted when the dawn is crashing into my room and drink three or four cups of coffee to get started.
I feel free, and I've wanted to feel that way for a long time, but I also feel untethered, and want to find my ground. So I've started making calls to improv groups to see if & when they're holding auditions, and talking to my roommate Christine about singing with her at one of her church groups. I think that will help.
In the meantime, I've got Friday Night Lights on my birthday, and my roommates and I are ordering thai food and they're getting me a cake. :)
Which is pretty damn nice.
I've moved twice in the last two years: once from Florida to Manhattan after the 2005 hurricane season, and more recently to Boston from New York. I always thought NY would be a haven, a collective of similar spirits. It's a magnificent city, but it's just not me: too big, too focused on ambition, too fast. So I moved to Boston in the hopes that I would find more of a home here.
I moved here on March 24th, and so far it's working out very well. I have regular work through a temp agency, which was always a chore in NY; I live in a big room on the highest floor of a three-story Victorian house, which is very well-kept and lovely, and has a great view of the Boston skyline; I live with roommates who are thoughtful, outgoing, kind and very low-maintenance.
And yet I keep having trouble sleeping, which is new. I wake up at two or three in the morning and can't get back to sleep for hours. I wake up exhausted when the dawn is crashing into my room and drink three or four cups of coffee to get started.
I feel free, and I've wanted to feel that way for a long time, but I also feel untethered, and want to find my ground. So I've started making calls to improv groups to see if & when they're holding auditions, and talking to my roommate Christine about singing with her at one of her church groups. I think that will help.
In the meantime, I've got Friday Night Lights on my birthday, and my roommates and I are ordering thai food and they're getting me a cake. :)
Which is pretty damn nice.
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