Yesterday was a rough day, in no small part because my roommate Christine decided to have a bit of a power trip at the expense of me and my other roommate, Lavina. The three of us had originally planned to go see the midnight showing of The Order of the Phoenix together (see my review at my LJ), and on the day of the show, Christine emailed us to ask if we could reschedule. Boston's mass transit closes at 12:30 a.m., and Christine's the only one with a car, so we were really dependent on her for transportation to and from the event. She seemed surprised and hurt when Lavina and I both independently told her that no, we were still very interested in going, and she was unresponsive and/or hostile when we asked if we could borrow her car so that we could still go to see the film (she's offered to let us borrow her car on numerous other occasions, and I don't think either one of us has ever taken her up on it).
She finally called Lavina back at 5 p.m., telling her that it was fine with her if we borrowed her car, but she was pretty passive-aggressive about it. We got home to an email from her that was a bit of a power-play, stating that while we were welcome to use her car we needed to be very careful with it and she would be "very put out" if it wasn't available to her the next morning. Both Lavina and I were like, wtf?
I sent an email back, stating that we wouldn't be needing her car after all, so there should be no worries about being very put out or missing her morning arrangements. Snarky, yes, but mildly so - and I felt she deserved it, honestly, for pulling the rug out from under us at the last minute, which is just thoughtless and rude.
Fortunately, Lavina came up with a plan: we'd see the midnight movie and then crash at her boyfriend's place, which was within walking distance of the theater. We didn't need to take a taxi home at all, just take a change of clothes and take the T the next morning. I'm back at work this morning, still dizzy and blissful from the HP goodness.
And yet I feel a little sad that I let myself get manipulated by someone's thoughtlessness, that I *reacted* to it instead of responding to it, and that I did so immediately. It's such a strong connection to my interactions with my Dad, and it's frustrating that it's still such an omnipresent part of my life. I felt very satisfied with my snark last night, but today I feel like it comes from the part of me that still feels like a victim, still feels put upon, still can't express disagreement without feeling resentment or anger. And I regret it for that reason.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Overheard on the Bus
Really, hand to God, I am not making any of this up.
Blonde bimbo (chatting on her cell, sitting right behind me): ...hi. Yeah, I'm on the bus. No, I was still really nauseous from last night. What? Well, it's kind of funny - he doesn't call me. No, he has a phone, he just doesn't use it. Because it's really expensive, and it costs a lot to use it, and he doesn't want it to be stolen. So he doesn't even take it with him when he goes out. [ *pause*] No, we email all the time, that's how we communicate. [*pause*] No, it's totally serious. You need to understand that, Emily. It IS really serious between us. Yeah, absolutely. We just don't talk. Much.
Last night I texted him at 8:30 and emailed him at 10:30. The only problem is, what if I'm in the emergency room, like I was last night? [*starts laughing*] I can't EMAIL him from the ER, you know, so he wouldn't know! God, that's so funny.
Plus, you know, I'm allergic to his bacteria, which sucks. [*pause*] No, I went to a urologist, and he told me that sometimes people are just biologically incompatible. Yeah, three times in nine months. Sucks, right? But pretty soon I'm going to be on antibiotics. But once I'm on these pills it should be fine. [*pause*] No, I'll have to keep taking them. Like every time, before... right. And he's just gonna have to keep it really clean before we -
WO (standing up to get off the bus, muttering): Girl, the universe is trying to tell you something.
BB: ...hold on. I'm sorry, what?
WO: Excuse me, this is my stop.
BB: Oh, no problem.
Blonde bimbo (chatting on her cell, sitting right behind me): ...hi. Yeah, I'm on the bus. No, I was still really nauseous from last night. What? Well, it's kind of funny - he doesn't call me. No, he has a phone, he just doesn't use it. Because it's really expensive, and it costs a lot to use it, and he doesn't want it to be stolen. So he doesn't even take it with him when he goes out. [ *pause*] No, we email all the time, that's how we communicate. [*pause*] No, it's totally serious. You need to understand that, Emily. It IS really serious between us. Yeah, absolutely. We just don't talk. Much.
Last night I texted him at 8:30 and emailed him at 10:30. The only problem is, what if I'm in the emergency room, like I was last night? [*starts laughing*] I can't EMAIL him from the ER, you know, so he wouldn't know! God, that's so funny.
Plus, you know, I'm allergic to his bacteria, which sucks. [*pause*] No, I went to a urologist, and he told me that sometimes people are just biologically incompatible. Yeah, three times in nine months. Sucks, right? But pretty soon I'm going to be on antibiotics. But once I'm on these pills it should be fine. [*pause*] No, I'll have to keep taking them. Like every time, before... right. And he's just gonna have to keep it really clean before we -
WO (standing up to get off the bus, muttering): Girl, the universe is trying to tell you something.
BB: ...hold on. I'm sorry, what?
WO: Excuse me, this is my stop.
BB: Oh, no problem.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
I'm feeling a bit better today, despite yesterday's bad news that the hospital had chosen another candidate for the director position. Friends really came out of the woodwork yesterday to be supportive through emails, multiple phone calls, and a few offers to storm the hospital and beat various administrators into submission.
My favorite moments:
* almost immediately receiving an email from Sean, of all people, demanding "Goddamnit! What the hell is wrong with these people?!?"
* Jonathan taking my call on his lunch break and just letting me talk and cry. Sniff.
* Margaret telling me I'd dodged a bullet, because clearly the people there were MORONS, and therefore it was fortunate that I wouldn't have to deal with their moronosity.
One sign that I'm actually kind of low at the moment is that I called my Mom this morning, and that's been a crap shoot for many years. She could be supportive, she could be kind of aloof and unapproachable. You just couldn't be sure. But - in large part, since she's gone through her battle with breast cancer and been accountable for some things and tried to make up for some of her choices and really work for forgiveness - she was really there for me today, which was wonderful. She was supportive and encouraging and told me to not give up on myself, and that it had nothing to do with me personally, and so on and so on. All the things you hope to hear from your Mom when you're in a situation like that. And she was really very sad and disappointed for me, which was also nice.
And that helps me to feel a bit better today. My heart doesn't hurt quite so much.
My favorite moments:
* almost immediately receiving an email from Sean, of all people, demanding "Goddamnit! What the hell is wrong with these people?!?"
* Jonathan taking my call on his lunch break and just letting me talk and cry. Sniff.
* Margaret telling me I'd dodged a bullet, because clearly the people there were MORONS, and therefore it was fortunate that I wouldn't have to deal with their moronosity.
One sign that I'm actually kind of low at the moment is that I called my Mom this morning, and that's been a crap shoot for many years. She could be supportive, she could be kind of aloof and unapproachable. You just couldn't be sure. But - in large part, since she's gone through her battle with breast cancer and been accountable for some things and tried to make up for some of her choices and really work for forgiveness - she was really there for me today, which was wonderful. She was supportive and encouraging and told me to not give up on myself, and that it had nothing to do with me personally, and so on and so on. All the things you hope to hear from your Mom when you're in a situation like that. And she was really very sad and disappointed for me, which was also nice.
And that helps me to feel a bit better today. My heart doesn't hurt quite so much.
Monday, May 21, 2007
Second Time Around
I got a call today from Massachusetts General, asking me to come in for a second (and if I'm understanding correctly, final) interview for the Communications Director position. Wheeee!
I'll be meeting with the VP for Public Affairs on Thursday at 12:30 p.m. Please keep me in your thoughts, because I think this could be a really excellent opportunity for me, as well as a really good fit for my personality.
It was drizzly and overcast in Boston all this weekend, and while I felt like I had a bit of cabin fever, I also realized how much the Northeast reminds me of southern Germany. I walked to Whole Foods to pick up some groceries and was nearly dancing in the light raindrops on the way home (just enough to soak my hair, not enough to soak my scalp), brushing super-saturated evergreen tree branches with my hands as I walked past, checking out collected droplets on pansies and hanging boughs of wisteria. God, I do love my neighborhood. And no one was outside, since it was raining - I felt like I was in my own little gingerbread rainforest. It was delightful.
I arrived home just as it began to rain harder, curled up on the couch with some coconut chicken thai soup from the corner restaurant, and watched Girl with a Pearl Earring. What a great way to spend a rainy afternoon.
I'll be meeting with the VP for Public Affairs on Thursday at 12:30 p.m. Please keep me in your thoughts, because I think this could be a really excellent opportunity for me, as well as a really good fit for my personality.
It was drizzly and overcast in Boston all this weekend, and while I felt like I had a bit of cabin fever, I also realized how much the Northeast reminds me of southern Germany. I walked to Whole Foods to pick up some groceries and was nearly dancing in the light raindrops on the way home (just enough to soak my hair, not enough to soak my scalp), brushing super-saturated evergreen tree branches with my hands as I walked past, checking out collected droplets on pansies and hanging boughs of wisteria. God, I do love my neighborhood. And no one was outside, since it was raining - I felt like I was in my own little gingerbread rainforest. It was delightful.
I arrived home just as it began to rain harder, curled up on the couch with some coconut chicken thai soup from the corner restaurant, and watched Girl with a Pearl Earring. What a great way to spend a rainy afternoon.
Wednesday, May 2, 2007
Done
Today was a beautiful day, and I was home, pretty much by myself for the whole day, and I felt so damn good. It was really remarkable.
What I realized, as I was walking down the hill to go to the library and print some things out, is that I feel done. I feel over so much stuff - even writing fanfic, to some extent. It's not that I don't enjoy it, because I do, but I feel like I want to write my own stories. I think I have stories within me to tell, and maybe it's time to focus on that for a while.
I'm over being hesitant, I'm over being insecure. It's just boring and old, and I'm starting to think that life is just about realizing joy.
I've also - again - been thinking about California, which kept creeping into my waking thoughts when I first moved to New York. I think about it when I'm in Whole Foods and I see a loaf of sourdough. I think about it when I catch the smell of the sea air. I think about it when I read an article on kayaking, and I remember watching the sea otters float on Monterey Bay.
It's a little disconcerting.
I'm listening to Peter Gabriel's "Secret World" tour live album, which reminds me of Matthew, and I've just returned from my first visit with my nutritionist, where we hammered out a diet and exercise plan, and I just feel like... okay. I'm done with all this past stuff. I mean, it shapes you, it forms you, but it's not who I am. I'm becoming someone different.
Three years from now, I may be living on the west coast, evolving further.
What I realized, as I was walking down the hill to go to the library and print some things out, is that I feel done. I feel over so much stuff - even writing fanfic, to some extent. It's not that I don't enjoy it, because I do, but I feel like I want to write my own stories. I think I have stories within me to tell, and maybe it's time to focus on that for a while.
I'm over being hesitant, I'm over being insecure. It's just boring and old, and I'm starting to think that life is just about realizing joy.
I've also - again - been thinking about California, which kept creeping into my waking thoughts when I first moved to New York. I think about it when I'm in Whole Foods and I see a loaf of sourdough. I think about it when I catch the smell of the sea air. I think about it when I read an article on kayaking, and I remember watching the sea otters float on Monterey Bay.
It's a little disconcerting.
I'm listening to Peter Gabriel's "Secret World" tour live album, which reminds me of Matthew, and I've just returned from my first visit with my nutritionist, where we hammered out a diet and exercise plan, and I just feel like... okay. I'm done with all this past stuff. I mean, it shapes you, it forms you, but it's not who I am. I'm becoming someone different.
Three years from now, I may be living on the west coast, evolving further.
Friday, April 27, 2007
Monday, April 23, 2007
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